Busy Busy Busy!

So I am in Dallas at the moment for my twin nieces' birthday that was today, February 12, 2011. They turned 3. I baked them Snow White and Cinderella cakes! If you want to see them you can go to my website www.cakecouturebyamanda.com. It's late and I don't feel like uploading them lol. So after two solid days of working on the cakes they came out a success and the girls absolutely loved them! I am supposed to be making a cake for my god-son's birthday this weekend! So many birthdays and cakes so little time! And of course I said I would do it at no charge! I am such a sap for babies and their birthdays! I actually have completed all of my homework and school work and  I am all caught up and actually a little ahead! I know I can't believe it either, me, do homework on time? GASP. lol. Well R is working so I am thinking that I may just stay here in Dallas for a while, especially since he will be working on Valentine's day!! WAH. But honestly I would rather have money than some gross chocolates. lol. Well I suppose that is all for now. I need to get my rest. Goodnight.

Losing control

You would think that with the amount of time I have spent on this earth that I would be accustomed to change. But actually it is quite the opposite. I miss my sisters. This Christmas is going to stink. Neither one of them will be in town. And this Christmas I'm without my bestfriend. Regardless of what happens between us I will forever think of M as my bff, sister, twin, soul mate etc. I wish I hadn't erased her number, I wish I still had her email address. It frustrates me so much to see the consequences of my harsh and non-thinking actions. I just feel so lost without her. Like this piece of my heart is missing each and everytime I find happiness in something else I am reminded of what I lost. It is this endless destructive cycle. I wonder if this stage will ever pass? I hope so, perhaps it is the grieving phase.

On a lighter note R and I have almost all of our Christmas shopping done. On his dime this year. Lol. We are going shopping for a dishwasher for his mom tomorrow. And today we went with my God-Son to take his first pictures with Santa. :) so that fills my heart with joy that even though my sisters and nieces are far away I still have an outlet for Christmas love I suppose.

Bottomline though I'm upset, my mom is depressed, and my dad is in his own little world. But my car gets out ofthe shop tomorrow. So let's end on a good note. :)

Frustrations

Ugh. Today has been a lazy lazy day. Been focusing on what to get R for Christmas, as well as my family. I have been volunteered to make brocolli rice casserole for R's family thanksgiving. Oh the joy. My mother has already bitched and said I will not be using her oven on T-day because she has way too much to accomplish in one day. So I then told her I would cook it the day before. And then I told her I was trying to convince R to go to his parents t-day by himself and I got to my family's by myself and then we meet up for his aunts. And then she started yelling again because we aren't married and we don't have to split holidays etc etc. Then I reminded her that KE and ML both went to their bf's houses for holidays before they were married. So then she shut up. Hah. Well I understand where she is coming from, she already has to split holidays with my sisters' in laws, ML said for a while that she was not coming to T-day and that she was having her own private Christmas at her house just for her family. Which I understand and we are celebrating Christmas like a week after the actual day but STILL. I feel for my mom, I am the last one left.

So now R is off of work, and after calling me on his lunch break and ordering me to run errands for him, he informs me that we are going to BWW to call D and invite him because he is inviting Matt. Great. How wonderful? Yes my love I would love to go out to dinner with you....and your friend.....and my friend. We never get alone time and it is frustrating. So frustrating. But I will deal with it I suppose.

Yuck.

I have been sick this whole week. It stinks! Woke up Monday morning puking my guts out then came down with a fever. Turns out I have an upper respiratory infection and a viral stomach infection. So I have been confined to my bed/ sofa this whole week. I watched the CMA's last night which was fun. R has been working 12's this whole week, so I have been spending time with my mom watching movies. I was supposed to be making a commitment ceremony cake this week but was ill so I had to cancel. Of course the cake I was making was for a friend's relative so I got bitched out for not giving her enough notice. HAH. Sorry I'm not psychic and didn't know in advance that I was going to be sick. GEEZ. My middle sister ML is supposed to be coming home this weekend, and maybe bringing my nieces. Her excuse at first was that she had bad tires but since my parents just bought her new tires that isn't much of an excuse anymore is it? But I can't wait until Thanksgiving. Everyone will be home. So exciting. :)

I'm A Selfish Fake

So I have always liked this song, but last night while I was over at R's Aunts house we were outside and his cousin put this song on and it reminded me of M. The words hit me in a way they never had before. I ran inside and started crying. I've been doing a lot of that lately. So this post is for M, not that it matters but it will make me feel better.

I am so sorry for everything that I have done. For making you feel like you are unimportant in my life. Because you are important to me, I am realizing this more and more with every day that passes. I am sorry for bailing and making excuses. I was scared, and I thought that if I ignored it everything would be okay and I wouldn't have to confront the fact that I am idiot. I miss you so much. Nobody understands me quite like you do. I wish I could go back and change everything, to put us back together again. I would be there for you, I would listen, I would call. I would visit more and make you a priority. Because I can't imagine getting married and not having you with me. Or having a baby and not have you be one of the firsts to hold it. I feel like all those days are going to be so bitter sweet. But I know I can't go back. But just know that through this all I still have so much love for you in my heart. You will always be my sister, my soulmate, and my jellie. I love you and I'm so sorry.

Uneventful and tired.

So today has been completely uneventful. Last night was somewhat eventful. I spoke in my first blog about a friend who hates my guts, rightfully so, but she does hate my guts or so I thought. Well to cut the story down A LOT. This wonderful girl has been my friend since I was in 6th grade. We were BFFS, twins, sisters, and so on. Well like everyone else when I got with R I blocked out every other single other person in my life including her, because I enjoy pain and suffering. Well she finally got to the point that she couldn't stand it, which is understandable. Saddening but understandable. So we got into a facebook war, yay! NOT. Well we ended up unfriending and blocking each other. I deleted her phone number from my phone and thought it would just be easier to forget her because there was no way I could ever make up for everything that I had done. Well I was kinda sort of cyber stalking her last night on her twitter, and I saw that she had a blog. Well of course I have to go and look at it. ( http://www.seajellielove.blogspot.com/ it is entitled goodbye) Well I go and read that and I just start sobbing. So I decide I have to write her an email, so I rush downstairs at 4 am, crying, grab my laptop and charger, nearly kill myself on the stairs on the way back up, but I make it to my room. So I plug it in and open it and immediately go to my email, because she had sent me one a few weeks ago, and for some reason my stupid email DELETED it. How convenient? Right? Well so I go on to her blog and leave a comment, so hopefully she doesn't think some crazy internet stalker misses her? That would be creepy.

Well onto today so far.... UNEVENTFUL. I stayed up until 5 am trying to figure out the least creepy way to contact M <---- which is my friends name...errr.....ex friend? Ugh IDK! So I wake up at 1:00 pm take my meds and then go back to sleep until 2:30. Completely uneventful. Well I made lunch, blackened tilapia. Now I am writing. Sometime today I need to go to the craft store so that I can get some square cake pans for the "kinda sort wedding" cake I am doing next week.

Oh yeah forgot to mention that I am a wannabe baker. I am decent at it, I enjoy it and it provides extra cash. Win win right? I suppose.

Easter Basket? I think not.....

I have issues. Issues with myself, with my boyfriend, with my friends, and especially with my family. I mean look at me right now, it is 4:20 in the morning and I am ranting on a blog because I can't go to sleep. I have decided I am clinically crazy. I have a problem with putting all of my eggs into one basket. The basket being my boyfriend, R. I only have one real relationship in my life, one without lies or faking, where I can 100% be myself. I can tell him anything, and I can act completely crazy around him. So because of this I spend nearly all my time with him, trying to make this one relationship perfect while ignoring all of my "fake" relationships. For example, my mom came home from Vegas today, and I spent about 2 hours with her, and R of course. We went to dinner, were handed our souvenirs, looked at pictures and then we left. I am so afraid of anything else, of having a relationship with anyone else because of my issues. My mom is a close second when it comes to having a relationship and then it is my two sisters. But even then I feel like I have to fake to keep it going. I have no idea where this stems from, perhaps I have Daddy issues, maybe R is just the only person I can be my selfish self around. Who knows? This issue drove off my best friend, when will it turn in to too much for my sisters and mom? My Dad could care less as long as he has his laptop and the hunting station on. But even more importantly than my family, I have made R such a priority I have driven a wall between myself and the Lord. Sure I pray and lead a "Christian" life, BUT before I went to church every Wednesday, had quiet time and was the closest to the Lord than I had ever been. How could I let my craziness and insecurities come in between me and the most important thing in my life? It is beyond me that I have allowed this. It is as if time has slowed and I am not realizing what all is happening. I honestly do not know. But for now this is all the admittance and craziness I can handle in one night. So I will write later......